Writing has always been a bit of a battle for me. Without the full range of movement in my shoulders plus the added strain put upon my arms through transferring and weight bearing, it was inevitable that writing would be an issue. It was clear from an early age that the more I wrote the more illegible my handwriting became so it was something that my 1:1 support worker at primary school used to help me with if I got too tired or had to write for a sustained period. I also tried out a range of assistive technology like having a computer so I could type my school work instead of writing it but it was the same issue. Typing requires use of the same muscles in ones shoulder as writing so alas I'd get tired and my arm would get sore. I also trialled voice activated software so that I could dictate what I wanted to write and the computer would transform my sentence into print. Sadly, this type of software in the early 2000's required very clear speech in order to accurately type out what was being said and stammering meant that I would say "I went to the park" and see "when I went to San Francisco..." Not the most useful...
When I went to secondary school I wrote for myself initially in every lesson, without support and I was quite happy doing it. It meant that in my preteen years I could appear more 'normal' and independent which I was relieved about. But then the dreaded GCSE years came, I had a bigger workload and different stresses and I had to face up to the fact that I couldn't keep up with the writing. Unlike when I was younger and it would just become less legible I was actually reaching points where I couldn't physically write sod all. I told my mum and she arranged for the O.T to come out and assess my writing abilities so that provisions could be put in place for my exams. The O.T came in and asked me to write the sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" over and over for three minutes. I couldn't even write it once. Very demoralising for this to be your reality at 15 but there it was staring me in the face. I couldn't write a sentence yet had so much to say. It was decided that I would dictate my GCSE exams and have them scribed for me. Dictation is not an easy or natural process but it's a skill that I developed for my GCSEs and A-levels as I wrote essays by saying 3 words at a time and giving the scribe time to write it. It's not a route that anyone chooses to write about King Lear, Feminism and Freud through but it was the only way. I found this process long, drawn out and very tiring, I found it hard to keep track of what I wanted to write with the constant need to stop and wait for it to be written but I made my own notes which helped. I also realised through dictation that I think through my pen ie when I write ideas come to me but as I dictated it was harder to allow thoughts to flow. It made me learn the art of being clear and concise as it's very hard to ramble 3 words at a time. I think I took to this aspect easily partly because stammering prohibits your ability to waffle so getting to the point was something that came easily.
Luckily, I chose a degree that included two exams in the whole three years so I only had to dictate under pressure and timed conditions twice. However we had a lot of coursework and essays that I dictated to my note taker which though were written in a more relaxed set up, brought up similar frustrations.
When I look at all that I've achieved, I feel proud of the fact that I did it through dictation, scribes and additional arrangements for exams. I'm also proud that I proved myself in spite of all those that doubted me and my intelligence level. I don't think people know how much you are subject to people thinking that your mental age is that of an 18 month old when you have a disability and that this perception is exacerbated when you stammer and even more so when they can't read what you've written. I've fought against this my whole life. My degree means so much to me because that was the proof to the world and to myself that I could do it, I could achieve. I can unlock my thoughts and express myself, it's just a matter of finding a way.
