I recently went to see a disabled stand-up comedian who spoke of his own experiences of living with cerebral palsy and the experiences of other disabled people. This was very strange for me because I don't spend much time with other disabled people and do not have friends with the same condition as me. It was nice because I felt that I could relate to many of the things that he said and so it normalised my own feelings towards my disability. For example, when he talked about having P.As he said 'its like my body belongs to lots of different people' and I thought that is so true and such a good way to phrase it. You see, I don't often let people into my thoughts, feelings and struggles that I have with being disabled because my friends and family don't always know how to respond. I don't mean they don't try, nor do I blame them for this because sometimes some of my experiences are so far outside of theirs that they just can't relate to it. But I've realised that I need to know other disabled people so that I can have a space to put my disability on the map, so that I can meet people who have experienced some of what I have experienced and so that my life story becomes less foreign to those around me and to myself. I don't just crave this to have someone that understands the difficulties, I also really want people who I can laugh with interviewing P.As or having a massive spasm in the 2 minute silence.... Not my finest hour!
It's strange to see other people with cerebral palsy because I suddenly realise that I'm on a spectrum of a condition which I don't really think about. It's difficult for me to see people who are more severly affected by the condition that I have. I don't interpret it as 'I'm so lucky' because I don't think that's fair to my situation plus it's quite offensive to the other disabled person. It's just that I think the only difference between my body and theirs is a tiny amount of brain damage and I don't know how to process this thought. In lots of ways though its comforting to know that what my legs do is typical of the condition that I have and I get to see what other people see when they look at me.
I know that I have to stop pretending that I'm not disabled in social situations, by that I mean preventing myself from talking about the latest battle with social services or the patronising woman on the bus for example. I need to develop the confidence to bring my experiences into conversations because then I can feel that my disability is part of me not something to hide. In order to do this I think I have to try to make links with the disabled community because when I allow myself to acknowledge that my disability makes up a lot of who I am I think I'll feel more at peace with myself.
