I have very vivid memories of 20 trainee physios watching me when I was 6, taking notes on how my body worked or more importantly how it didn't work in their eyes. I felt like an animal in a zoo being watched. I don't feel this is something any child should have to go through.

I had a very happy childhood but it was always dominated by appointments, therapies and interventions which looked at seperate aspects of my condition. This meant that as a child, I wasn't ever looked at holistically, services never came together to put together a provision plan and I really hated this. I would often get jealous of my friends that had playdates and watched T.V after school whilst I attended hydrotherapy, physio and horse-riding. Having a disability robbed me of a lot of childhood freedom and made me grow up very fast.

I hated physio when I was a child partly because of the experiences I had with trainee physios which left me feeling completely violated, partly because I knew that I couldn't change how they spoke to me or how inadequate it made me feel but mostly because I was never treated as a child with thoughts, feelings and a personality. I was just a body that needed fixing because it didn't work properly.

I would often hear 'well, this leg is very bad today isn't it?' and 'why are your arms so weak?' and get immediately defensive because I hated being treated like something that was broken instead of a child with a condition. These experiences did not make me the most co-operative child or the easiest to give physio too I'm sure! But I wanted to be recognised in terms of what I could do- to have an active role in physio. I always wished they would tell me the point of the exercise that I was doing or made it relevant to my life as after all that's how we, as trainee teachers, are told to teach P.E. and I don't see why it should be so different for disabled children.

I firmly believe that disabled people should be allowed to be the masters of their condition and that they should play a part in deciding how to get the most out of their lives by maintaining their conditions. Nobody ever asked me how it felt to have Cerebral Palsy or what skills I would like to have developed for increased independence. Nor did they make physio playful. This, I believe is a fundamental mistake.

One of my proudest moments was defying a physio to not use a hoist to get into a canoe and then happily using my arms to lower myself in. I have never used a hoist in my life and am able to transfer myself easily. So, thank you to all my childhood physio's that made me very determined to be as independent as possible (and a little defiant).

'What's it like to have a disability? Is it hard?'

My reaction to this question always makes me wants to be sarcastic and say 'no, its really fun. I love it, you should try' but I know people are very curious and interested to find out so here are some of my thoughts:

I spent many of my teenage years finding it hard to process, wondering how can I live like this? Who would I be without my disability? and often getting upset and having very raw emotions about wishing I could walk. Its extremely difficult having problems that noone can solve and having to feel things that noone can stop you feeling. It's difficult not being fully independent like my friends are and not having total control over my life. Feeling all of these things whilst going through puberty and teenage hormones was definitely not easy but I have always been very determined to do what I wanted to do with my life and reach my potential. I have never allowed people to place their expectations on me or affect my choices. I can remember going to a university open day and the disability adviser saying to me 'you know, teaching is a very intensive course are you sure you can cope' and even though that comment affected my choice of university it didn't in any way stop me from doing my chosen degree.

When I went to university and started having full-time help I experienced a new found freedom. I moved to a fully accessible ground floor flat was living out of my family home and I discovered that I could do more for myself than I ever  thought was possible. I could choose the help that I wanted which meant that I gained autonomy over my life and it changed the perameters of what I thought I was able to do for myself.

Since turning 21, I feel a lot more comfortable with my disability than I ever have before and that although it will always make life harder and create frustrations,I have realised that having Cerebral Palsy makes me who I am and that because of that I wouldn't swap it for the world. It has kept me humble, given me resillence and put my stubbornness to good use!

   

I have always found children's reactions to my disability refreshing. They are completely honest about their thoughts and yet have an innocence that adults do not have. I am training to be a primary school teacher, I also have Cerebral Palsy and children are always curious about my chair asking 'why are you in that?' and often finding it mad when I say I can't walk. 'Have you tried?' some will say, 'are you allergic to walking?' was one of the most memorable reactions and 'but you have shoes on' was another which inspired the title of this blog.

For years I have wanted to write about my thoughts, reflections and experiences of growing up with Cerebral Palsy and I'm excited to share them. It has taken a long time to feel confident to let people into this area of my life but I hope that people can gain an understanding of the lives of disabled people through reading my blog.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to teach, when I was little I would play lots of teaching games with my beanie babies and even had a register for them and I have always enjoyed being with young children and seeing their development. I often wonder how much of my disability has influenced my choice of career and whether the skills needed for this job have all been developed through my disability. I feel that it has, to some extent, and this is probably one of the most positive things about being disabled as when I teach and work with children it feels like I can use it to my advantage.